it's about time

They say, what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.

So true.

So I spent the past 5 days in bed trying to get over a major flu episode. I spent the first 3 days drifting in and out of sleep at home. Alone. Miserable. Physically tormented and emotionally drained.

And you know when your soul is weary, your body cries out for healing. I think this is the case.
I've been so busy at work for the past 7 months that I'd never really addressed my issues that I should have addressed ages ago and I think this is all taking its toll on my mental state and health.

And between all the panadol popping and fever episodes, I found myself a new hobby - crying. Sometimes few times a day. I was thinking, what have I done? Why am I sick and alone? If I was still with the guy I was with, would he have taken care of me? Is it the kind of "single life" I had envisioned for myself when I broke off my 6 year relationship? Where is that earth-shaking, passionate love I dropped everything for?

I clearly knew my relationship was over. But I always managed to brush the topic off every time I asked myself what my next move would be. That's the good thing about being a working girl - burying yourself at work does work. When my best friend recently told me that one of her patients was dead in her own house for 8 years before someone found her body. I joked that I would get a dog that would dial 911 for me. But really, deep down, I knew that could very well be me.

I checked myself in at Epworth Emergency on Wednesday. There was a slightly overweight and frumpy looking Asian girl sitting next to me. She was in the arms of another overweight and even frumpier looking young man. And I asked myself, "why am I here alone?"  Shouldn't there be someone for me too? There, my tears started rolling down my cheeks. And they just wouldn't stop for the rest of the morning.

The most dreadful thing about being an incubus of a viral plague is it forces you to be alone. Utterly alone. I had never been short of company (be it male or female) for the past 7 months. My social life has kept me very busy. I enjoyed being worshipped by my suitors and I was fluttering from one man to another  - mostly bankers (lol). I never once missed the comfort of my previous relationship. Why have one when you can have them ALL?

But the past few days has forced me to learn to deal with my issues and fears in solitude. It's like rehab. I had 2 days of awful withdrawal symptoms and then one day I woke up, free.

I've come into terms that my previous relationship is truly over and I am on my own now. And I've also come to the realization that I am not married because I have standards and I know I won't be happy unless I find someone who meets these standards. And because I have standards, I get to decide who is lucky enough to ride with me.

After all, 28 is an awfully young age to compromise on what you want in life.

So here I am, alive and well again. Ready for a new chapter.

There's nothing worth crying about - not when you have just received your quarterly bonus. *wink*